By Doug Brunk, San Diego Bureau
Throughout most of his 30-year career as a urologist in Joliet, Ill., Dr. Ernie Tan has donated money to various charities, including an orphanage in his native country, the Philippines. But about 10 years ago, he said he felt a tug to get more involved in hands-on charity work.
“At the very beginning of a physician's career, there is a lot of concentration on building up your assets, developing some financial security, and raising the family when the children are very young,” said Dr. Tan, a 60-year-old father of two children aged 17 and 27 years. “Then, after a certain point, you start to think, 'You can't just concentrate everything on yourself or the family.' I think that if we're fortunate, if we're able to provide for ourselves and have some retirement on the side, we need to start looking to see how we can help others.”
Four years ago, Dr. Tan approached Joliet-based Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties and offered to serve as a role model to a needy youngster. He was matched with Philip Duckworth, an 11-year-old boy, whose father recently had died from pancreatic cancer.
“Philip was having a hard time so his mother asked for some help and we got matched,” Dr. Tan recalled. “He [was] an only child and was very afraid that something would happen to his mom and did not want to have separation from her, even during weekends. There were times when we would go out together with his mom, just so that he would feel comfortable—especially in the very beginning.”
His role as mentor was awkward at first, Dr. Tan said, considering the age gap and the fact that he and Philip saw each other only once a week, usually on Saturdays. But, as time went on, they clicked. “In many ways, he also likes my son a lot,” he said. “My son is in his mid-20s and can talk to him about video games and stuff like that. Every weekend, we would go out as a family, and he got to know the way our family ran.”
According to Dr. Tan, besides engaging in fun activities such as playing with the family's four dogs and jumping on the trampoline in their backyard, Philip also learned family structure and how to conduct himself. When he would be a guest at the Tan's for dinner, for example, “I'd tell him 'You do have to behave properly just like I expect from my kids. You do have to follow some courtesy rules. When you're at our house, you're welcome to eat dinner. After you get done eating, you put your plates in the sink just like everybody else.' We treat him like one of our kids. He particularly enjoys getting gifts for Christmas and Chinese New Year.”
That sense of family structure included names for all of Dr. Tan's family. Philip was asked to refer to Dr. Tan and his wife, Connie, as “Uncle Ernie” and “Aunt Connie,” and to the Tan's son and daughter as “Big Brother” and “Big Sister” (in Oriental terms). “This way he has a name for us that shows respect for elders,” explained Dr. Tan, who was named the 2007 Big Brother of the Year by the local organization. “That's the way we normally structure it in Oriental families.”
Philip's mom is engaged to be remarried in late 2008, so Dr. Tan is backing off a bit to let the new dad-to-be assume a role of influence. These days, he sees Philip about once every 3 weeks.
“In some ways, I think I've been a positive influence on Philip,” he said. “That makes me feel good. If you can be a positive influence, hopefully, that's something that will carry on for many years to come. It's a little bit of time out for other people, a little bit of inconvenience. But if there's a long-term payoff, it makes it all worthwhile.”
He speculated that physicians and other professionals shy away from becoming Big Brothers and Big Sisters, because they perceive that it will require too much time. However, he emphasized that the role can be well managed if the “Little Brother” or “Little Sister” lives close by and can be incorporated into the physician's own family activities. “It's important to not think of this as needing isolated time with the Little Brother or Little Sister,” he said. “You don't necessarily have to have a half-day or a whole day of isolated time with him or her.”