By Doug Brunk, San Diego Bureau
Michael Myers, M.D., often hears physicians say they'd like to expand their circle of friends beyond their colleagues in medicine, but they're not sure how to go about it.
“I hear so many first-person accounts from physicians who say it's really neat to be going out with some people who have nothing to do with medicine at all,” said Dr. Myers, a psychiatrist based in Vancouver, B.C., who specializes in physician health. “Then they make statements like, 'I realize there's a whole other world out there' or 'I think my work sometimes gets me too focused on disease and illness, or death or dying, and I forget sometimes that there are other people who are doing fascinating things.'”
In fact, sometimes his psychiatry colleagues make statements such as, “When I'm with my nonmedical, no-psychiatry friends, I realize not everybody's depressed,” Dr. Myers said. “They find it refreshing.”
“That's not to discount those doctors who live for their career; it means everything to them,” said Bruce Flamm, M.D., area research chairman and a practicing ob.gyn. at the Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Riverside, Calif. “They'd live in the hospital if they could. That's fine, too. But for every one of those, there are probably 100 doctors who wish they could have more time to do other things.”
Why care? Because interacting with people who are not doctors helps you realize that life exists outside of medicine, said Dr. Flamm.
If you struggle to expand your circle of friends beyond your medical colleagues, experts interviewed for this column offered the following advice:
▸ Get involved in your community. Seek opportunities with your community center, church, synagogue, Rotary Club, or the school your children attend. James Gill, M.D., serves on his church's council in Wilmington, Del. In this role, he helps set church policy and also lobbies for social issues such as fairness to immigrants and people who struggle to make ends meet.
Such involvement “gives you broader perspective on the world, which almost has to translate into your profession,” said Dr. Gill, director of health services research in the department of family and community medicine at Wilmington-based Christiana Care Health System. “You also get that broader perspective by being involved in the Rotary Club, with the soccer team, or whatever. You tend to see people at different places in their lives with different levels of education and social strata, and [different] occupations. That provides you with a richer perspective when you interact with patients.”
Becoming involved in the Wilmington community was easy for Dr. Gill because he practices in the same general area where he was raised and where he did his family medicine residency. “The people I spend most of my time with are my extended family and friends from high school,” he said. “But I got involved in other things. You're probably not going to make a lot of good friends just by sitting at the bar or passing somebody on the street. You meet people by getting involved. The way I've done it is get very involved in church-related issues and volunteer social issues.”
▸ Seek a support network. When Nicolette Horbach, M.D., was in her 30s, she joined a small network of women in her area who became mothers around the same time. That was 13 years ago, but today she and the dozen or so members of the group, including an FBI agent, accountants, and stay-at-home moms, still meet once a month over dinner for friendship and support. “We've had people go through the death of a husband, divorce, and difficulties with children,” said Dr. Horbach, a urogynecologist at Northern Virginia Pelvic Surgery Associates, Annandale. “It's a grounding force outside of medicine, and these people become like your extended family.”
Other topics discussed have ranged from toilet training and how to pick a preschool to the frustrations of balancing work and home life. “That kind of solid group gives you some continuity with different phases of your life,” Dr. Horbach said.
She also expanded her circle of friends by volunteering for social activities at her son's school. She recalls arranging her schedule one day between surgeries so she could be the room mother at her son's class Valentine's Day party.
“You may not be able to be PTA president or chair the fundraising committee that's going to meet every week, but you can do specific functions, whether it's the book fair for a weekend or the school parties— something like that where you are being just like one of the other parents,” Dr. Horbach said. “You're physically there, your kid sees you as involved in the situation, and you have the chance to meet the other families that your kids interact with.”